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Well, this is a very long story. But here it goes:
One day, I got it into my head that I should change the oil in my
girlfriend's car. After all, we had put a couple thousand miles on it when
we went on vacation. When the day finally came, I drove to the office she
works in, gave her my car, and took hers to do my handiwork.
So I figure, "Hey, I'll show her what a good guy I am and get her
the REAL GOOD (expensive) synthetic stuff, and she'll be so pleased that I
will get sex". Or something to that effect. The point is, I thought I
deserved sex for the upcoming deed. So I paid thirty dollars for 6 quarts
of oil and a new filter. I then drove to her house. She still lives at
home, and her parents had just moved in to a new rental house about 2
weeks prior. Knowing that I am a fairly consistent fuck-up, I had the good
foresight to NOT change the oil on the driveway. I parked her car In front
of the house, and mentally prepared myself for the challenge awaiting
me. I wore a messed up pair of cut-off khaki pants, and a black T-shirt,
because I figured if I got some oil on the T-shirt, it wouldn't be that
noticeable. It still makes sense, even in retrospect.
I opened the trunk, and got out the jack and tire iron. They were
so new, that they came in a leather pouch. We're talking about things that
last saw light coming out of a florescent tube at the Acura factory. Being
very careful not to get any dirt, dust, pollen on the shiny jack and tire
iron, I lifted the Integra off the ground after several hundred
rotations. So I wedge my body into the 12 inch space between car and
pavement, and begin looking around. Mobility was virtually nil. I could
hardly even turn my head to look for the oil filter, much less the
plug. After feeling around with my left hand for a while I finally found
the plug, about two inches above my scalp parallel to my body. This is the
most uncomfortable place it could possibly have been. Sure, I could have
turned my body, but then my legs would have been sticking out into the
street.Having discovered the plug (but not being able to see it under any
circumstances) I made sure that I would be able to loosen the filter
somehow.It was in a hole about 4 inches straight above my face. Right now,
while you're reading this, let's do an exercise: Take 3 videocassettes. On
the nearest table or countertop, stand two of them upright and the third
across the top so that you have an eight inch, open-bottom square. Take a
can of soda. Put it inside the box. Now get on your knees so the soda can
is at eye level, and about six inches from your face.Now reach into the
box and simply turn the soda can without touching the videos or moving
your head. This is what it was like removing the oil filter. Except in my
case, the can was glued to the counter, and I had to turn it four-thousand
times. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before I could remove the filter,
I had to drain the old oil out by removing the plug. So after I
familiarized myself with the layout of the car's underside, I crawled out,
and went to the toolbox where the ratchets were kept. I grabbed a handful
that I thought might be the right size and shimmied back under the car,
making room this time for the oil-pan.
The oil pan was one of those super nice ones also. It was about 6
inches deep, and hollow, so all the oil drains onto it, and then down a
small hole in the middle so the thing fills up. Then, when you are done,
you plug it back up, and you have a sealed container full of oil that
holds something like 20 quarts. A very convenient piece of hardware for a
multi-car family.
I made sure to unplug the hole in the middle and tightly seal the
spout which allows you to pour out the oil. I positioned the pan to my
left and about even with my collarbone, and began trying the various bolt
removers. Having found the right one (after having to move the oil-pan,
shimmy out from under the car, head to the tool box, play the "bigger than
this/smaller than this" game with the bolt removers, head back to the car,
wedge myself under it, and move the oil-pan back into position) I finally
managed to move the plug a quarter inch. I then spent maybe twenty minutes
(no, I'm not exaggerating this time) TIGHTENING the plug. Swearing under
my breath, I began turning it the right way. The car was still hot, so I
was taking it real slow, so as not to burn my hands on the hot oil. When
the first drops appeared, I was careful to make sure that they fell into
the pan. I saw nothing wrong, so I continued, unleashing a gushing torrent
of molten lead. So I spent about 15 seconds in peace while the oil
drained. Then I entered the Ninth Circle of
Hell.
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