The only set of poems to ever include the word "gastrointestinal."

by: Mahlon Smith and Trevor Leahy

What you are about to read is the entire reason I made it through high school. This was my school career. Creative Writing class ended up being a creative excuse to avoid doing any work whatsoever. My friend and I weren't total slackers, however. We did have some material for the class. We just decided to make it easy on ourselves and write some poetry. The idea behind this was that poetry is an artistic form, and therefore cannot be graded. That was good for us, since our poetry sucked. What about effort? Yes, our teacher did also grade on effort - but we had that base covered. We wrote so many of these god damn things, that they became a staple of our school. They were printed in our school newspaper. They were printed in the yearbook. From week to week, the students and teachers anxiously awaited our next stupid poem. Most people wouldn't laugh when reading them - they'd just shake their heads in a disapproving fashion. Others wouldn't understand the poetry - we'd just tell them that you had to be open to artistic influence. They'd go along with it eventually. They'd succumb to the hype. They'd bend to the peer pressure. They'd be part of the 'in' crowd. We were gods. Yet, as obvious as it was to us that we were in total control of the school, it might not have been to others. CHRIST! What if someone actually thought that we were WORKING? What would happen if someone took our poetry seriously? That had to be remedied. So, we named every poem "Sandwich." Oh, we were clever. Thus, the Sandwich Saga was born. Not all of them are printed here... because some are so incredibly bad, I think that Trevor and I might be set on fire if anyone were to read them.

Sandwich The sweet taste of wine on your lips, as I move my mouth over yours, I feel your warm breath comforting my trembling body, and I accept your passion. My being is bathed in a gentle heat, slowly becoming an agonizing burn. Please put down the flame thrower. Sandwich Life is good, life is sweet. Life is funny, life's a treat. Life is happy, life is fine, I really like canned food. Sandwich I wish I had a jar of pickles for companionship, for love, for a long standing relationship. God, I'm desperate. Sandwich Fragile thoughts as I walk through autumn mists, thoughts of infinite beauty, thoughts of grace, thoughts of walking. Left, right, Left, right, Left, right, Left, right, Left, right, Left, right, Left, right Sandwich After I sit and write for hours on end, I need a break. Do you know what I do on this break? I take my pen, and repeatedly stab myself in the chest. Sandwich Sometimes I wonder, "What makes a microwave work?" So I take mine apart, and sob uncontrollably. Sandwich I remember the last relationship I had, I met her with the line, "If you give me a massage, I'll throw you on the floor and attack you." She never spoke to me again. Sandwich I remember once, a long time ago, when I was feeling adventurous, I tried to re-enact my favorite movie about mountain climbing. But after 6 hours, I got frostbite and my arm fell off. Sandwich I think that I shall never see, a poem lovely as a tree. Unless it's one hell of an ugly tree. Sandwich I'd like to meet the man who named the Pituitary gland. Then I'd beat the living crap out of him, because, what kind of word is "pituitary?" Sandwich Last week, I went to a circus, and met a real live sword swallower. We talked for about ten minutes, and then he swallowed a sword. I grabbed the handle and shook vigorously, Until he fell over. Man was he pissed off. But damn if he didn't say some stupid things. Sandwich The people at my therapy class told me that it would be prudent to keep me away from sharp objects. But they don't say it as often anymore, since I cut one of them up. Sandwich On occasion, I deflate my car tires, As a joke for anyone who might come across them. Sandwich You know in movies, when the bad guy goes through a glass window? I thought, "Hey! What a great party trick!" This is a warning: Don't do it. Unless, of course, you've got stain resistant carpets.

Sandwich I remember the sweet scent in the cool breeze, I remember your breath engulfing my whole body. You really should have brushed your teeth, for the acrid smell is killing my brain cells. Sandwich What's that stench? Oh, it's you. Sandwich (to the tune of "Sea of Love") Come with me, my love, to the sea, I like the sea, I hope you do too, because I'm going to leave you there, leave you for dead. Sandwich Roses are red, violets are blue, porcelain is white, trees are brown, grass is green, pigs are pink, you are gross. Sandwich Nothing is better, than walking through newly fallen Autumn leaves. Except maybe a good bowel movement. Sandwich Why, oh why, do I do the stupid things I do? Oh yeah, it's because I'm stupid. Sandwich Whenever I have some extra time, I like to give myself prostate exams. Over and over. Sometimes 8 times a day. Just to be safe, you know? Sandwich If I had a motorcycle, I'd probably end up driving off a cliff and meeting my end with a bloody explosion of internal organs and bike parts. But boy, would I get some women, cause hey, chicks dig scars. Sandwich I think technology hit it's peak with the potato. Sandwich The next time anyone looks at me, I'm going to give them a giant kiss, because they obviously like me. Sandwich On occasion, I imagine the reaction of my peers, As they watch my crotch inflate to the size of a football. Touchdown! Sandwich I scream, you scream, We all scream for ice cream. I scream, you scream, For the love of God, shut up. Sandwich Once, I had a pet ice sculpture named Larry. I slept with him every night, With my electric blanket set to "full blast." He melted, and I got electrocuted. Now every time I see water or meet someone named Larry, I shriek in horror. Sandwich On my keychain, I have a housekey, I have carkeys, I've got my work keys, And I have a key that opens a room in the house where I keep all the dismembered people. Sandwich Last Thanksgiving, my sister and I were making a wish with the turkey's wishbone. As we finally pulled the bone apart, shrapnel flew through the air, and pierced my Sister's skull. She fell to the floor in a lifeless heap. Man, what a suck-o Thanksgiving. But, hey, I got my wish.

Sandwich Big brick buildings, tumble onto me. Sandwich I wish I had a flower, to pluck it's fragile petals, to inhale it's bittersweet scent. I wish I had a field, to grow the flower in. To watch it blossom, and let it prosper. I also wish I had a tube of Vaseline, So I could lube myself up and roll all around my newly acquired field. Sandwich I stroll silently through the forest, effortlessly gliding past the trees. The forest holds many secrets. Too bad I don't know any. I hate the forest. Sandwich My days of youth were filled with joy, when Fluffy the cat was my best friend. I stroked her before the fire, and felt her love, as she purred contently. Then one day, Dad backed over her with his Bronco. Poor Fluffy. Sandwich I stand hidden, admiring from afar, your lovely form, smoothly twirling, until you are dizzy, and fall over into the fiery depths of hell. Sandwich If only I could tell you, just how I felt, But I'm quite sure you don't want me to mention anything about my intense gastrointestinal problems. Sandwich What is the meaning of life? Is it to be good to your fellow man? Is it to make others happy? Is it to be fruitful and multiply? I don't know, but the last one seems like the most fun. Sandwich Life is like a casserole. You boil the noodles of love, chop the onions of puberty, open the cream of mushroom soup of joy, toss in the tuna of sadness, bake at 400 degrees and serve. Too bad I hate casserole. Sandwich I was constipated, so I took a whole box of laxatives. I get out of the hospital In 2 weeks. Sandwich Whenever I move into a new house, the first thing I do is urinate all over the place, so no one will invade my territory. It's worked so far. Sandwich The last time I used a cotton gin, it ripped both my legs off. Boy, taught me a lesson! Sandwich The lighted candle creates shadows that dance across your beautiful face. The aroma of passion surrounds us. I slowly and wantingly unbutton your silk blouse, only to see the volcanic cold sore on the end of your nose, erupting with every beat of your heart. Sandwich Sometimes, I wish that I had 2 heads, so I could have conversations with myself. But then I think, "No, they'd be just like this stupid one." What? Sandwich If a large breasted woman came up to me and wanted to take me home, to smother me to death with kisses, I'd say, "No," because, hey, Who wants to die?